The Hermetic Barbie

h e r m e t i c b a r b i e

Now you and Barbie can share in the mysteries of ceremonial magick! Rituals are so much more fun with Barbie's personal tarot deck that turns into a barrette you can wear yourself! And you'll love her robes, embroidered with esoteric symbols in trendy fashion colors! But wait! There's more! Not only does your poseable playmate come complete with a trendy wand, a fashionable chart of the Kabbalah that will look precious on your locker door, and a change of shoes; if you act now and collect valuable Qlippoth points, you can send them in and get Barbie's very own Minerval initiation kit!* You'll get the Ordo Templi Orientis newsletter, stickers, a dazzling membership card, and a SURPRISE BONUS!!

And, for those Dream IX° Operation parties, there's Dream IX° Ken!! Dream IX° Ken is the first Mattel doll to come with his very own Wand Of Will!

Don't settle for those fluffy-bunny Pagan knockoffs!! Why bother with a Disney's Pocahontas doll when you can explore the mysteries of the Western occult tradition with America's favorite Scarlet Woman?

h e r m e t i c b a r b i e -- new from Mattel!!

*Please enclose $77.70 for postage, handling, and legal fees against Kenneth Grant.

Yes, HermeticBarbie is just a joke :)

The Hacker's Tarot

0. The FOOL:
a manager using a SPARCStation 413,1432 to run a screensaver.

1. The MAGICIAN:
a hacker with a Mac, a Pentium box, a Sparc, and a Cray on the table in front of him --- all running the same program with the same GUI. An infinity sign is over his head.

2. The HIGH PRIESTESS:
a woman holding the Documentation, closed and concealed. The crescent moon is showing on an Indigo behind her.

3. The EMPEROR:
Steve Jobs sitting on a NeXT cube, holding an optical disk vertically in his hand.

4. The EMPRESS:
A secretary with a NeXT Machine.

5. The HEIROPHANT:
Bill Gates with two flunkies kneeling before him, their faces averted, offering him floppy disks. He wears a laptop computer on his head.

6. The LOVERS:
a PowerMAC and an IBM Power PC exchanging software as an angel bathed in glory regards them.

7. The CHARIOT:
A man in a chariot, hurtling up an exponential curve, drawn by the twin sphinxes of Technology (black) and Culture (white).

8. STRENGTH:
A woman holding the entire design and implementation of Microsoft Excel in her mind as she corrects the final error. An infinity sign is over her head.

9. The HERMIT:
An old hacker, white-bearded, burns the midnight oil; its Star-of-David flame illuminates his keyboard.

10. The WHEEL OF FORTUNE:
A rotating wheel. Cray is on the side going down, despite its good technology; Smalltalk is opposite it, and C++ is sitting on top. Four winged beings -- a mouse, a turtle, a dog-cow, and a human -- look on.

11. JUSTICE:
A cold-faced woman holds a calculator in one hand and a delete- key in the other.

12. The HANGED MAN:
A programmer is tied by his ankle to a cable duct. His phase is completely shifted: he awakens at sunset, he sleeps at dawn. His monitor is reverse-video. He programs on, flawlessly, oblivious to his circumstances.

13. DEATH:
A skeleton wielding a scythe surveys a field, on which are scattered PDP-11s, Apple II's, IBM 360/91's, Xerox Alto's, and many other machines.

14. TEMPERANCE:
An angel stands with one foot on her chair and one on the floor, as she copies files from one disk to another. A cursor blinks from her chest.

15. The DEVIL:
The goat-headed Lord of the Pit stands on a pile of Windows manuals, holding an inverted torch in one hand. Two humans, male and female, are in chains at his feet.

16. The TOWER:
An ivory tower is struck by a bolt of lightning. Two robed figures, denied tenure, are hurtled to the ground.

17. The STAR:
A Mac is running its `warp' screen saver, in a transient fragile moment of peace.

18. The MOON:
A wolf and a jackal are typing at two PC's. A crayfish crawls out of a pool, offering suggestions that may ultimately prove deadly. The moon shines through a window.

19. The SUN:
A naked child riding a winged rocking horse programs clever applications on a high-quality workstation.

20. JUDGEMENT:
An angel blows a trumpet; all over the net, web pages arise, to be rated Cool or not.

21. The WORLD:
A woman dances on the clouds, unclothed, unencumbered, in a ring of clouds, a 3-d mouse in each hand. The four winged beings from the Wheel of Fortune surround her.

Chaos Bells

Dark Conspiracy Involving Electrical Power Companies Surfaces

The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted light; in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which is then transported back to the power generation stations via wire networks. A more descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name for the device is DARKSUCKER.

This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark particle (the anti-photon) is the fastest known particle in the universe. Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK... scientists have now proven that light does not really exist!

The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are right now. There is much less dark right next to the darksuckers than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much greater capacity than the ones used in the home, for example.

It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a celestial scale; witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark space. Naturally, the Sun is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from the Sun.

Occasionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the Sun. Scientists have long studied these 'sunspots' and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to such an extent that some dark actually leaks back into space. This leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles as they stream out into space at high velocity via the black 'holes' in the surface of the Sun.

As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime caused by the fact that they are not 100% efficient at transmitting collected dark back to the power company via the wires from your home, causing dark to build up slowly within the device. Once they are full of accumulated dark, they can no longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity of untransmitted dark... you have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck any dark at all.

A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. It is of no use to plug a candle into an electrical outlet; it can only collect dark.. it has no transmission capabilities. Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because of the intense heat produced.

There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs in these devices collect dark which is passed to a dark storage unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.

The darksuckers on your automobile are high capacity units with great range, thus they require much larger dark storage units mounted under the hood of the vehicle. Since there is far more dark available in the winter season, automobile dark storage units reach capacity more frequently than they do in the summer, requiring 'recharging', or in severe cases, total replacement.

Dark has great mass. When dark is drawn into a darksucker, friction caused by the speed and mass of t he dark particles (called anti-photons) actually generates substantial heat, thus it is unwise to touch an operating darksucker. Candles represent a special problem, as the dark must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generate s a great amount of heat, making it very dangerous to touch an operating candle.

Because dark has such great mass, it is very heavy. If you swim just below the surface of a lake, you see a lot of 'light' (absence of dark, to be more precise). As you go deeper and deeper beneath the surface, you will notice that it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake, making it appear 'lighter' near the surface.

The power companies have learned to use the dark which has settled to the bottom of lakes and rivers by pushing it through turbines, which generates the electricity used to pump the dark toward the ocean where it may be safely stored for their devious purposes.

Prior to the development of turbines, it was much more difficult to get the dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and developed means to assist the flow of dark on its long journey to the ocean. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to impede the flow of dark; but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled vigorously to help propel the dark along its way.

Scientists are working feverishly to develop exotic new instrumentation with which to measure the actual speed and energy level of dark. While such instrumentation is beyond the capabilities of the average layman, you can actually perform a test to demonstrate the unbelievable speed of dark, right in your own home.

All that is required for the simple test is a closed desk drawer situated in a bright room. You know from past experience that the tightly shut drawer is FULL of dark. Now, place your hand firmly on the drawer's handle. Quickly yank the drawer open.. the dark immediately disappears, demonstrating the blinding speed with which the dark travels to the nearest darksucker!

The secrets of dark are at present known only to the power companies. Dark must be very valuable, since they go to such lengths to collect it in vast quantities. By some well hidden method, more modern power 'generation' facilities have devised methods to hide their collection of dark. The older facilities, however, usually have gargantuan piles of solidified dark in huge fenced in areas. Visitors to these facilities are told that the huge black piles of material are supplies of coal, but such is not the case.

The power companies have long used secret acronyms to disguise their activities; 'D.C.' stands for 'Dark Conspiracy', while 'A.C.' is suspected to represent the 'Alternate Conspiracy' which will most likely be used exclusively once the secrets of D.C. are totally understood. D.C. is rapidly yielding its secrets to the probing eyes and instruments of honest scientists around the world. The U.S. Attorney General is considering action to be taken against the power companies for the theft and stockpiling of dark from 'consumers'. New developments are being announced every day and we promise to keep the public informed of these announcements as they occur via this newsletter.

Humorous Computer Viruses

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.